My thoughts, My dreams, My pain
by Kelia
Summary: This is not a Trigun fic. It's an apology story to a good friend of mine and this is his favortie anime. Sorry about this I just want him to read cause he won't speak to me. Thanks!
1. I see her and think of them

Kelia: This is for a great friend of mine. He's a bit ticked off at me but hopefully he'll forgive me. I'm sorry, please forgive me? Please read and review.  
  
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She walked down the street, in a black skirt that sashayed around her beautiful legs. She wore a black turtle neck long sleeved shirt. Her eyes were gray and held the emotions of pain and sadness. When she walked she moved silently. Her lips were blue from the cold and her hair was a dark gray. She held herself as if she was walking proudly to her execution, afraid but did not want to show it. As I watched her I, too, felt her pain and suffering. When I look into her eyes I see a longing for love. Attention. Someone to hold her. I had stopped in the middle of my basket ball game to look. She was strange, mysterious, very depressed. Suddenly she stopped and stared me down. I stood my ground, not wanting her to think I was a coward, and stared back. My friends called me to the game. I broke our gaze and began to play again.  
  
---  
  
I couldn't get her out of my head. I wanted to help her, console her, anything to make her happy. I didn't like when people suffered. She must have been grieving over someone. She might have just been a Goth. I ate my dinner silently. I lived alone, my parents had died 8 years ago. Someone had taken me hostage in a bank and shot them dead in front of me.  
  
Flashback:  
  
"Don't worry son, we'll let you put your money in the bank to" father said. He smiled warmly and squeezed my hand. We walked up to the counter and were confronted by a gun. A man grabbed me harshly and pulled me away.  
  
"No! Ashtari! Please let him go! You can have all my money. Just don't hurt him." They didn't listen. They shot my mother first. As she fell, tears slid down her cheeks.  
  
"Mother! No! Let me go please! Don't shoot my father! I-" A loud shot was fired and I turned to see my father grasping his stomach. "Father" I whispered. He fell to his knees and gasped "Ashtari. I love you. I always will."  
  
"No!" I shouted. "No! Mother Father! Please don't leave me! I can't.I cant..." I slumped to the ground and the man holding me ran. I put my face in my hands and cried silent tears. Slowly I pulled myself over to their bodies and lay in between them. In the distance I heard the sirens. It's too late. It's too late. I thought. I hugged my parents close to me hoping they would be revived. The police came and took their bodies away. I screamed and pleaded that they didn't but they wouldn't listen. I watched as the ambulance drove away, reaching out in desperation. "No. please no." I whispered.  
  
I dropped my plate and it crashed to the floor. Tears falling down my cheeks as the pain came back in an agonizing wave. I fell to the floor and wept, crying out their names over and over. I got up and walked into my room. I curled into a ball on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably until I fell into a restless slumber.  
  
---  
  
"Ashtari, you must wake up." I looked up and saw my mother, smiling happily.  
  
"Mom." I sighed and got up. I was in my bed. My mother had a tray with breakfast on it.  
  
"I brought you breakfast! Please eat." She got up and turned to leave.  
  
"Wait, please don't go." She stopped and began to shake with quiet sobs. "What's wrong mother?"  
  
"I can't stay. I'm sorry. Please live here, and grow. Ashtari you must stay alive, you are important." She turned and patted my head. She smiled but her tears still flowed. She kissed my forehead and left. I ran outside my door and saw her going down the hallway.  
  
"Please don't go!" I was suddenly in the arms of the same man who held me hostage. He held a gun pointed to my mothers back. "No!" I shouted. "Mother look out! He's -", she fell to the ground, the bullet in her back. She cried out and disappeared. I turned around. It was that girl. She was crying as she held the gun. But she was pointing it towards a woman in a business suit.  
  
"You will never kill again!" She screamed and shot the woman. Her legs buckled and she held herself up with a dresser.  
  
"You little brat! You're worthless! You mean nothing to everyone! Your mother and father didn't love you! That's why they killed themselves!" she coughed up blood and fell to the floor, barely alive.  
  
"You're wrong. YOUR WRONG!" The girl shot her two more times and threw the gun at her. "My mother and father didn't kill themselves. You killed them. You killed them just as you killed me. You convinced us that we didn't love each other. You don't deserve to live." With that she walked out of the room. Softly I heard a car door slam and the car started up. I jolted awake, sweating and screaming.  
  
"NO! NO, THEY CAN'T BE DEAD! I LOVED THEM!" I felt a hard slap across the face and came to. I put my hand to my head and groaned at the pain.  
  
"Calm down, your just tired. Here, eat this." A bowl of white liquid was set on my lap. I looked up to see her. She looked back at me coldly. "It's not hot." Looking down I remembered the bowl.  
  
"Who are you?" I said without looking up. "And why are you here?"  
  
"I heard you screaming while I walked past. The door was unlocked so I came in to see if you were ok. You were sweating furiously. You vomited many times." She pointed to a bowl on the floor. It looked as though it had been used.  
  
"I'm sorry to trouble you and I thank you kindly but I would like you to leave." She got up and bowed.  
  
"I will see you at school." She walked out. I got up and put the bowl on the dining table. I sat down and sipped at it. It was creamy and soothing. I gulped it down viciously. I dressed and walked out the door for school. 


	2. I wish I could forget

I watch as my paper turns fuzzy. I remember my parents bloody bodies on the living room floor, motionless. I hear the splash of my tears on my desk and I am brought back to reality. My test is soaked, but readable. I fill in the answers and turned it in. I turned and the boy was watching me. As I walked slowly I saw his eyes turn from emptiness to longing. I showed no signs of the same feeling but my heart was screaming out to him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
As I walked home, I had flashes of blood on walls and my hands. I cringed and closed my eyes but they still came. I needed to cry. Cry for a long time and never stop. But I could not. I had to be strong. My feelings of anguish were not supposed to show. I kept walking but I suddenly fell to my knees as my recurring nightmare played in my mind.  
  
Flashback:  
  
"I'll be right back ok honey? I need to talk to your parents." My mother's lawyer walked out. I wish she wouldn't call me honey anymore I'm sixteen for god's sake. I turned back to my computer and kept typing. I stopped when I heard screaming. I ran into the living room and found my father on the floor with a knife in his chest. I screamed when I saw my mother put a gun to her head.  
  
"We realize we never loved each other Utari. Don't worry you can join us soon in the afterlife." I rushed at her and tried to get the gun but it was to late. She pulled the trigger and she collapsed, blood and skull pieces everywhere.  
  
"Ha ha ha! You foolish child!" My mothers lawyer turned and walked down the hall towards my parents room. I grabbed the gun and ran after her. I found her putting my moms jewelry in her purse.  
  
"You will never kill again!" I screamed and shot the woman. Her legs buckled and she held herself up with a dresser.  
  
"You little brat! You're worthless! You mean nothing to everyone! Your mother and father didn't love you! That's why they killed themselves!" she coughed up blood and fell to the floor, barely alive.  
  
"You're wrong. YOUR WRONG!" I shot her twice more and threw the gun at her. "My mother and father didn't kill themselves. You killed them. You killed them just as you killed me. You convinced us that we didn't love each other. You don't deserve to live." I walked out and staggered down the hall. I reached the living room and stared at their bodies. Tears came to my eyes and traveled down my face. I took the knife from my fathers chest and held it to mine.  
  
"Don't do that." I turned and looked down. A boy about the age of six stood at my side, staring blankly at the bodies. He looked at me. "If you do that you won't live. And if you don't live your parents won't be happy."  
  
"My parents..." I paused not knowing how to explain this. "Those are my parents." I pointed with the knife down at the floor. "Their dead now. And I have no will to live."  
  
"Sure you do." He smiled. "If you live, you can love. Love is something everyone needs." I dropped the knife in realization. He was right. I needed love. I knelt down beside him.  
  
"Thank you." I whispered. He nodded. I turned to leave then stopped. "What is your name?" but when I looked around he was gone. I took one last look at my parents. "Goodbye. I loved you." I got in our car and left.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
"Hello?" a concerned voice said. "Are you okay?" I looked up. I hadn't realized I was still on the sidewalk. I quickly stood and grabbed by bag. Ashtari stood before me, gazing intently.  
  
"I'm fine. Thank you." I went to move past him but he blocked my way.  
  
"What is your name? You know mine but I don't know yours." I stared at him almost glaring.  
  
"Utari. Utari Suzuki." He moved and I kept moving. I glanced back and he still stood there, staring in front of him. He moved in the opposite direction until he disappeared.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
Kelia: My friend (Andrew) said if I wrote one more chapter he would forgive me. So here it is. If you want more you can either review this story or another of mine saying you want more. Thanks for your guys cooperation and patience! I will take this story down in about ten days. 


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